Thursday, April 09, 2020

abortion caused life-long consequences

I have had two abortions. One in the mid 70’s and one in the early 80’s. I didn’t think twice about the first abortion because my career was on the rise, and when I got pregnant again I decided to keep the baby, then changed my mind with the urging of family and friends, again, because of my career. Both abortion experiences were the same, I recall them like they were yesterday and they were over thirty years ago.

The clinics were cold and sterile, there was no one there to provide any type of comfort or assurance. They treated the abortions like they were as routine as a dental filling. The sound of the vacuum echoed through my ears and the tugging felt like something was trying with all its might to hold on. There was something trying to hold on, my children. When I left the clinic both times, instead of feeling relief, I felt empty … like I had left something behind, which I did. My children.

I was a party girl to start with but after my first abortion my promiscuity escalated as did my drinking and I was hell-bent on self destruction. After my second one, my life went completely out of control. I lost so very much during those days, including the love and respect of my family, friends and co-workers…. but most importantly, the love and respect of myself. I also purposely lost the ability to have a child as I convinced a doctor to give me a tubal ligation at the age of 30. I didn’t know then, but I know now, I was punishing myself for the abortions. I didn’t deserve to be a mother.

15 years ago I finally reached the point where I could no longer stand to look in the mirror because of how far down the abyss of depravity I had gone. That brought me to believe suicide was the only alternative. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and then to rehab. Although successful in maintaining my sobriety I still had many issues with intimacy and depression. Through a church seminar, I was informed about post-abortive healing retreats which I subsequently attended.

I learned the guilt, shame and self-hatred I had over the abortions had been buried deep within me and my drinking and promiscuity was a way to keep it buried. I numbed myself with the booze and slept around for, what I thought at the time, was love and acceptance. I also learned I hadn’t been given the opportunity to grieve for my aborted children which exacerbated my depression.

Abortions do have consequences that carry throughout a life-time. Women have been sold a bill of goods that it's about choice, which it is not. It's about life....the lives of our children.


~ Patti Swear Smith, California


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